Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
