That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
