Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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