Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
