My boss' voice literally gives me gas
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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