She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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