my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
