fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
