I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
