I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
