My girlfriend figured out who you are.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
