I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
whose ass print is on the piano?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
