I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
