If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
