I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
