So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
