Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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