i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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