dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
