My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
