Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
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The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
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SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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