The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
