From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
