Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
