I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
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