I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
