if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
