my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
