I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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