i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
