just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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