Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
