Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
