This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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