I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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