ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Can I color on your dick again?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
