Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
