I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
