This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
