oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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