ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
