Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
