last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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