My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
