you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
