turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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