Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
