its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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