Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
