We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
This house was built for laser tag.
birth control should be required to get into college
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
