I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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