Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
