dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
