I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
