My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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