He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
