im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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