Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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