I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
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the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
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Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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